Pre-op thoughts

Today’s the day! I’m definitely all out of doubt, and I’ve gotten the other strong feelings out of my system by now. No more crying ha! I trust my doctor/surgeon and anesthesiologist, so the rest of uncertainty, and my dear there’s alot, is tolerable. I’m super thankful to have two people in my life who have always been, and will be here for me when I come out the other side. They make it all okay. Of course there’s also the amazing group of family and friends who are always really just a call away. I’m feeling pretty blessed in this situation. Lastly, shout out to dog, and I hope I say some funny things while I’m under sedation.

I’m as prepared as I possibly can be now. So I’m nervous, but okay and ready.


68 – Throwback – Huey Track

My oh my, am I the queen of hiatuses or what? Well I’m back.

Lately I’ve been having older jams stuck in my head on the daily. The one today really hit home for me though. You know those songs that bring back memories , flashbacks, and feelings? This is one of those for me.

So here I am to share. Since, even after all these years, Huey’s “Nobody Loves The Hood” still gets me. That line “Stand strong all my lil soldiers,  reject all negative words people done told ya” is a sort of motto for me to this day.

And just because I’ve been feeling this track too. Even though it’s a lot more recent, I thought I’d share anyways. Here’s “Everyday” by A$AP Rocky ft. Rod Stewart, Miguel, and Mark Ronson.

Thank you for reading!

– a.seaa

67- Free Falling – Revamp

Do you miss me when I’m gone?

So I’ve been slacking, or just overwhelmed by life. Whichever goes. But I think I’m back. I have accepted that I’m just not stable enough in my environment to be running a daily, and have decided to revamp this site and just go with it.

I kept creating so many mental barriers for myself that a part of me shut down. Reality hasn’t been helping either though. A voice has been screaming in my head, fighting to be heard. So I’m setting that voice free, and writing to my little heart’s content.

And this is what I imagine ecstasy to be. My senses seem heightened, I’m shaking, and these words are just pouring through my fingers. It’s amazing and I’ve missed this feeling.

So I guess my manic mind and my poetic soul is back for some more. I thought my muse had left me but turns out I had just sedated him with too much clutter. I know what I want, and I’m glad that and the heart of me has never changed.

I just needed to breath and reevaluate my capabilities. So take this as ramblings or advice, but here it is.

Thank you sincerely to those who are returning readers and welcome to all who are new, until my next post.

Thank you for reading!
– a.seaa

66- Before I Fall Asleep – Pursuit of Happiness

I’m finally learning that I can’t be responsible for everyone else’s feelings. I can only be my best, and hope that’s good enough.

I’ve spent as long as I can remember to please certain people and avoid their disappointment at all cost. I had become a puppet, and hadn’t even realized it. I never knew any different.

I get why wars are fought over freedom, because I’m now facing my own.

This is one of the most emotionally (and in turn physically) exhausting periods of my life. It might be one of the hardest things I do. But if I have to be wrong right now I can accept that, because I’m doing this for the right reasons.

Anyone can call me selfish, but I deserve this. For once I deserve to know what living for me is like. I never expected any of this to be easy. But I think my happiness is a good enough reason for me to put up a fight. To finally stand up for myself. To know that it’s okay to think about me first.

That’s what a big part of growing up is to me. To find your own way of life. Balancing out what works for you then fitting that into the rest of the world.

This is my solution. It’s what no amount of medication or therapy can make the change for.

I think everyone deserves a chance to choose life. To be given the option to be themselves. That might be a luxury that a lot of people still don’t have. But I hope they never truly think they’re not worth it.

Not to live knowing happiness is to die. And everything’s a choice. There are always options. Even when you feel so defeated, broken, and stuck, you struggle to see any spark of hope. You deserve better. And as long as you believe that, nobody can take that from you.

You’re going to go through hell, but you’ve already been through hell. Now it’s your turn. And my turn, to pursue happiness.

Thank you for reading!
– a.seaa

65- Featuring – Leading Lady (2014) Soundtrack

It’s not often that while I’m watching a movie for me to pause it and look up the song that is playing at the moment. That’s what I did again and again for this soundtrack.

I had never listened to Afrikaans music before this movie. And I’m glad this movie introduced me to some. I love Bok Van Blerk’s “Soutwater”.

And then there’s Matthew Mole. His music is heavily featured in this movie, and I think it’s all amazing stuff. I’m so happy to have discovered this homegrown South African singer-songwriter. These are my favorites.

“So take these words and make them right”

“You mumble the weirdest collection of words but I thought them too”

“It’s a war walking out your door”

I’m completely in love with his melody and lyrics. Simple beauty at its finest.

Shortstraw a South African independent rock band also has their song “Couch Potato” on this soundtrack, I think they have a really cool sound.

There are also tracks by Simeon, and Danny Ross.

And this post wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t give a salute to the composer Benjamin Willem. His work is a subtle accompaniment to this movie, and it’s all wonderful.

All in all, I just haven’t had a soundtrack stand out to me like this in a while. I mean my ringtone is “Whiplash” but this is good for waiting for the bus listening. Just some well put together feel good music.

Thank you for reading!

– a.seaa


64- In Print – “My Lunches With Orson”

imageWhat a great book. This is the most refreshing thing I’ve read in a while.

It’s a great thought provoking piece of work. Every idea from the bias of biographies, to the difference between film and theater has me looped in. I love this sneak peek into a private conversation. It makes perfect sense to me that this is how Orson wanted to leave his words behind. These conversations with a friend has compiled an autobiography  in its truest form. Besides whatever edits Peter Biskind made, the thought that there are changes worried me. But I let that go, Henry Jaglom trusted him so who am I to question that.

This book is an intimate portrait of George Orson Welles that both fascinates and troubles me. He was no doubt a judgmental man, but he was also very vulnerable. It’s hard not to think to myself as I write this “What would Orson think?” or would he read it at all. His insecurities match my own.

It’s not fabrications, or edited thought. It’s funny. It’s human. It’s painful. It introduces me to things and people who I know nothing about. And I would read it again to revisit that time and place. I can just imagine sitting in the restaurant behind George and Henry and overhearing these wonderful conversations.

This is as honest as it gets.

Thank you for reading!

– a.seaa



63- Before I Fall Asleep – Thankful

Some people just make it easy to be grateful.

They are the ones who lead by example of being selfless. The opposite of petty. Truly kind people.

I think they are the ones that I should really aspire to be more like. That’s a different but more important kind of success. To be a good person. To give and not expect anything back. Loving.

I’m amazed and touched to have such wonderful people in my life. All the good adjectives can’t sum it up.

Sometimes I can’t help but think that I must’ve done a lot of good in the past to be so blessed today. These people make me feel truly lucky. They make me want to be a good person no matter what.

Whenever I’m surrounded by these people I’m lifted, my mood, my negativity. I am provided comfort, and acceptance. I’m taken in as family, and everything good that comes with that.

This is what money can’t buy. And I’m thankful.

Thank you for reading.

– a.seaa

62- Thoughts – Big Hero 6 (2014)

I just finished the movie Big Hero 6. I needed a distraction from my stress and this was a pretty darn good one.

Overall I think it’s a sweet movie. It has cool action scenes, and it’s got some funny bits. San Fransokyo, where the movie is set, is a fascinating busy urban city. And all the science is quite interesting, microbots? How cool are those things?

There are definitely lots to geek over in this movie, both visually and technologically. Disney created an entire new processing system named Hyperion just to  render this film. They took a huge risk with this beta creation. I don’t think Hyperion stepped up the graphics and animation lighting to a whole new level, but it definitely sped up the process.

It amazes me the amount of detail in this movie even though most of the shots go by pretty fast. It shows that it’s worth watching, and even if you don’t like it, you can’t help but value what was put into it. Besides all the people who aren’t fans of musicals, this one’s for you.

Apart from being a visually stimulating movie, for me it was also pretty emotional at times. I teared up twice. It’s one of those movies that I think all ages can enjoy. I can’t tell you why but I felt this to be reminiscent of The Incredibles (2004). It follows the archetypal good beats evil story, but there’s just a little bit more. 

I’m not in a heavy technological mindset usually, but this movie made me think about the future of artificial intelligence and technology. It has high-tech written all over it.

I love that this has the cheesy but most important human element. I support anything that promotes love, friendship, kindness, and teamwork. And this is indeed a result of teamwork. The spirit of Disney, Pixar, and Marvel is all up in this movie, and it’s pretty great.

Along with all that, it has the most awesome post credit bit I’ve seen in a while. I think it nods at a sequel, and I’d watch more Baymax.

Thanks for reading!

– a.seaa

61- Before I Fall Asleep – Believing

Whether it’s religion or reality, I think everyone believes in something.

We need to put our faith in something in order to move forward in life. Hope comes from believing in something better, and we all need hope.

I think finding one’s own belief is a part of growing up. And I’ve found questioning one’s faith to be a good exercise. If you find a strong enough reason in it, that belief will never falter.

To me it has to be a personal thing. You have to be the one to put your faith in something. Others can only convince you so hard.

Let whatever you have chosen to place your faith in guide you to be kind and better. I hope you are enlightened.

Thank you for reading.
– a.seaa

60- Before I Fall Asleep – Choices

I’m proud of myself today. And that’s okay.

When you suffer from depression and anxiety, you almost get used to it. It becomes your reason but sometimes an excuse for not doing certain things. Today I didn’t let myself get away with that, and though I feel completely drained now, it feels good.

I made myself get out of bed, and do all the things I had to do. The absence of guilt is all the satisfaction I could ask for. I’m learning how to give myself credit for my little accomplishments, and turning that into encouragement to only do more.

Be your own cheerleader. Push yourself even when you feel you have absolutely no reason to. Take things one step at a time.

Depression isn’t a choice, but how we face our days and decisions, that is our choice. I know I’m not alone, and neither are you. You can do it, it gets easier, I promise.

Thank you for reading.
– a.seaa