12- Thoughts – Mother

I’m 21, and I think for the first time in my life, my mom finally said exactly what I wanted and needed to hear.

There’s always a little dread in the back of my head, when I receive an email from her. History has formed the pattern that is where the worst nagging insults, rants, or bad news comes from. We do talk daily through Whatsapp about the normal stuff. Let me back up, I live here by myself in Hamilton, and she’s back in her home, Hong Kong. So I can understand her constant worry. At the end of the day, I am still her only baby.

I have yet to be a mother myself, but I have tried so hard through out our years living together to step in her shoes. I needed to understand why our little family had to be the way it was. I’m not ready, nor do I think it would be fair to her, to go into detail now, and probably forever.

My housemate just walked into me sobbing as I write this haha. I’m okay, better than okay, these are pretty much happy tears. My mother probably hasn’t made me feel like this since I was a toddler. I am not deprived of love though, I know that now.

I had fully intended to finish and post another piece, but this had to come out now. I’m still in shock. For the first time, she didn’t seem to be clouded with negativity. There were finally no assumptions. And it wasn’t what she needed to lay on me, or anything that would put me down. She didn’t need to be the one to fix my problems, and her trust has never came out so clearly.

We’re Asian, and I think it really is a cultural thing to not be externally emotional people. In a weird way, through the internet is probably the only way I’ll ever get a response like this from her. It’s wild. She has been gradually and actively expressing more emotions in the past couple of years, maybe it is because she’s been immersed in the Western way. Her English is definitely getting more eloquent, as we speak.

When I was younger, my mother and I were close because we had to be. But now that we’re on opposite sides of the world, I’m so glad we’re close because we choose to be. I am far from the perfect daughter. I could only try to be there and take care of her through all the crap we’ve dealt with, it really was us against the world for a long while.

I feel like I’ve just had every child’s dream come true. My mother has faith in my strength, and acknowledges that I’m growing up. I didn’t think I’d ever get to hear that. It really is like in the movies when a dad tells his son that he’s proud of him, and they hug and try to hide their tears.

This might be the most amazing conversation I have with her, it’s a hard one to beat. I didn’t know I would be, but I am relieved. It was a affirmation I didn’t think I needed, but I really did. Mothers do know best, most of the time.

To all mothers and other guardians out there, tell your kid you love them, and to the kids, give someone who matters to you a reason to be proud.

Holy smokes, haha tears everywhere! Thanks for reading.
– a.sea

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