15- Free Falling – Mind Matters

Anxiety is an odd feeling, it’s like a different kind of tense, You can’t reason with it. You can take your breaths and drink your water but it’s the scab that won’t fall off.

I like it when things fit just right. Alignment is pleasing. Even my chaos is organized. Sometimes it’s like playing Tetris, you have to keep turning and shifting pieces until they fall into place with everything else around them. I contain all the bits that are circular and would roll around otherwise, because once things roll far enough, it’s gets too out to hand to chase. And I’m so tired and defeated then .

“Palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy” I feel like I lost myself there. That’s old, I know. Oh poetry, what would I be without you. Maybe I wouldn’t even be here. I could have ended up another tragedy. But I am climbing along with my words. It’s a whirlwind.

Fighting drains you. Anger distorts everything else. It’s not a good time. Red eyes, tearful, mad ones, sad ones. I hate when I cry, but sometime it’s too hard to try and stop. Or really you can’t find a reason to. I had a conversation about suicide earlier. I can get it. To have either so much pressure, or feel none at all, I think that could take me over. Everyone needs a vent. As long as those vents don’t become addictions.

“No man is an island” Who said that? I have to agree with whoever that was. Loneliness can kill a man. Bringing out the wild side. It’s like falling into an endless black spiral. And trying to get out is like climbing up a slide, only there’s not enough friction, no traction.

My gums are sore but my whites are pearly. I had my teeth cleaned today and now they are noticeably shiny. I like the shiny. Not blinding or flashy, just shiny, with a nice smooth sheen. It’s so easy to get fingerprints all over the shiny. Sounds like a metaphor. My head hurts.

The cold, ice and snow is fine. It’s the gloominess and the wind that makes my core shiver. Hugs, hugs for everyone, even the meanest grouchiest people need hugs. Tepid is a good word. Tepee is a great word.

Natural disasters, it’s tsunamis and earthquakes running through. I crave reconciliation. Because sometimes the ones who mind do matter, and what else to do then Dr. Seuss?

Thanks for reading.
– a.seaa

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