59- Living – Mapping My Runs

I just finished a run, and I’m physically and mentally tired.

Writing this is taking more effort since the adrenaline wore off. I’m still sore from my last workout but I went for it anyways. I had to return a library book so I made that my must leave the house reason.

There was a lot of puddle jumping and some snow bank hurdling, so I felt that made me work harder. I didn’t run as far as last time, but I feel more tired.

I don’t know if it was a combination of those things or the fact that I didn’t sleep well last night, but I started off with a lower energy level already. So I did have to urge my mind to keep going. It was less my muscles complaining than my lungs. The air was brisk, I don’t know how that effected everything.

I’ve started logging my runs on http://www.mapmyrun.com and I’m loving being able to see what I’ve done. It’s not much yet but it feels good to have started. I like that I’m not bothering with the numbers until I’m done. I’ve just been starting slow and listening to my body.  My favorite thing about mapmyrun is that I can log the route that I ran on the map and it calculates the distance for me.

It feels good to sweat. Now I need food.

Thank you for reading!

– a.seaa

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58- Living – Mile High

I had an idea this morning. I wanted to do something I hadn’t done in a while.

When you’re depressed, everybody will tell you to exercise. But even getting out of bed becomes a war. So it is a hard feat. Especially when you’re trying to go at it alone.

Motivation is really something you have to muster up from nothing inside your mind. You have to find or make your own reasons to really want to do it. Set an end and the you’ll do the means. It’s tricking yourself, but for your own good.

So today, I decided I really wanted to stop slacking. I’m not fat, but I’m definitely not as fit as I used to be. I was never a hardcore health nut and I never will be. I love food way too much, every meal has the option of being a cheat meal to me.

I set myself a goal, one small simple thing on my checklist. It was just a challenge to see if I could do it. I thought about it all day. I didn’t make it out the door by 8pm, but I went for it anyways. I had absolutely no excuse not to.

There is something to the fitness craze. Whether it’s all the excitement around events like the Arnold Classic, or just people attracted to good looking people, there’s so much more to it all.

There are the happy hormones and chemicals our body releases when we exercise, dopamine, serotonin, and Endorphins. But there’s also just the simple satisfaction that you did something. And looking into the mirror and feeling good, while your organs are happy with you as well.

I ended up doing a mile run. I didn’t burn myself out or anything but it was the best start I could have given myself. I started grinning somewhere in the middle. But it felt so good, I just kept going. My body had missed that exertion, and my muscles were glad to be running again. I might be sore tomorrow, but I’ll just be stronger the next day. I plan on keeping this up. This is for me. It’s part of gaining both inner and outer beauty. Being a better person and all that jazz.

The bottom line is, it feels good.

Thank you for reading!

– a.seaa

56- Living – Worth Living For

It’s amazing what keeps you alive when you reach the very edge. Most of the time it’s love.

You meet people in your life. The funny thing is, sometimes you never actually even meet these people in real life. They show you it’s okay to be brave. And it’s not always about the failures.

Then there are the ones who know you, really know you. The hearts who have taken the time to connect with you, and listen to all that you are. Someone who chooses to see you for themselves, and not based on how everyone else sees you. And you want them to see you, so badly.

Then there’s yourself. There’s a trust in yourself, faith if you will, that keeps you going.

That will all one day be the strength that I have for living without my eye sight. And my first and last reason for choosing life if I ever come to that again.

Thanks for reading.

– a.seaa

55- Thoughts – Methazolamide the Drug

Am I doing a drug review? I think I’m doing a drug review. Ha, now that I never thought I’d be doing in my writing career. Life’s a surprise.

Last week my eye pressure spiked again and ranged 42-52 mm Hg (normal range 12-22 mm Hg). So along with that came some very miserable physical symptoms. My abnormally high eye pressure (ocular hypertension) led to the worst of pains and pretty much all the symptoms of an acute glaucoma onset.

After consulting, my eye drops had an addition. I now use Alphagan along with my previous Lumigan and Azarga. But the biggest change to all this is I was prescribed Methazolamide 50MG twice a day. These tiny little white pills are my last resort, before he puts a needle in my eye (as my communicationally challenged doctor put it). I think he meant some sort of tapping surgery to release more fluid. That aside.

My first week with Methazolamide. The most outstandingly different side effect has been this odd numbing sensation in my hands and face, mostly around my mouth area. It’s numbing but it’s also tingling at the same time. I imagine it’s what people feel after suffering a minor stroke. Or phantom limb sensations, or post frostbite.

It feels like there’s a second layer of skin hovering over my face and hands. And when something touches it, it leaves a long after feeling. Also when I move my face or hands it doesn’t always feel like I’m moving them. As you can tell, I’m struggling to describe this feeling. But it makes me very aware that I am on a new drug.

My heart races and my head hurts, but those are things that could have other causes for me. I have had one follow up since, and my pressure has gone down to the 27-31 mm Hg range, so though that’s not good, it’s better. I will probably be talking more about my eyes in future posts, since it is a huge part of my life. If you have any questions, even just out of curiosity, I am open to having a conversation about it with you. Until then.

Thank you for reading.

– a.seaa

54- Living – #DearMe

A while back I wrote a letter to future self. Well in celebration of International Women’s Day, YouTube started this #DearMe initiative in hopes of inspiring and empowering young girls everywhere. It’s basically the message you would tell your younger self. It’s been done before, but this time it starts with #DearMe .

So I thought about it and I simplified it down to this.

– Things will get harder, but you’ll also get stronger
– Don’t lie to your mom
– You’re going to be shown the worst in people, choose your reactions wisely
– Don’t be scared of failing, optimism might not always pay off, it’s okay
– Keep Living

That’s it from me.

Thank you for reading.

– a.seaa

52- Free Falling – Seesaw Emotions

I think people are meant to share. Express. Communicate.

When people reflect your own happiness, that’s the biggest thing you can possibly accomplish. Everyone has the capability to provide strength. You have everything as long as you can be happy. It’s so easy to be depressed. It can become a crutch. Don’t let the comfort and familiarity of sadness keep you from all the other emotions.

Hold close those that make you smile, and make you hopeful. Believe in something, anything. Don’t forget the things that move you. Whether it’s the deepest of sadness, or joy, movement of emotions can only be a good thing.

The days when you feel there is no energy are a product of stillness. Stillness of the body, and heart. Your mind can still run on those days, but lacking. It’s good to have time for reflection and meditation, but reflect upon, not to your feelings. It is not a conjuring.

Find the strength in yourself. Take it from what you must, without crippling another. That will only bring you back down. Little rituals are great. Stay in control. Lose it when your heart tells you to. Hurting is all a part of the bliss.

The greats never stop. Celine Dion, Bob Dylan. You can be great. It’s a choice. It’s a state of being. Aspire. Have ambitions. Be happy. Make time for the important things. Let yourself be delighted by little things.

Hug, kiss, and express love whenever and however you possible can. Live. Go.

Love, a.seaa

50- Thoughts – “Whiplash” (2014)

So many months after being released, I finally watched the 2014 film “Whiplash”. My heart’s still racing.

In short, I liked the movie. I found it thrilling, and an intense emotional roller coaster. I like movies that make me feel things. As long as it proves to me that all that anxiety provoking is part of a greater story. This movie did and didn’t. Let’s process this together, since the film is still fresh in my core.

Honestly, I don’t know how I felt about the ending. Part of me wants more, closure, but then again that wouldn’t be kind. And this movie is not kind, there are definitely no warm fuzzy feelings going on here. But I get it. The overall picture makes sense. 

Did I need the unrealistic bloody hands (ironically real blood) for extra drama? I didn’t appreciate that. The shrug of a car crash? That part definitely bothered me. By the middle I felt like I was watching “Rocky Balboa” (2006) and the drums didn’t need to be a part of it anymore. As someone who has spent years in concert and jazz bands, and numerous choral groups, I agree with all who have said that this movie isn’t about the music. But passion I felt, so I guess that makes up for all it’s glitches.

Any consistent reader of mine will know that I am a fan of interviews, and I draw most if not all of my research from them (if that’s not you, welcome, and this is so). Nothing beats hearing it from the sources themselves.

So despite all the criticism I may have for this film. Nothing can infringe on the praise I have for the actors, the composer- Justin Hurwitz, and the editor- Tom Cross. I love that they went with an original score, this film would’ve been a lot less without that.

Miles Teller(Andrew) in reality did shed blood, sweat, and tears for this film, and the outcome was brilliant. Miles made me think of a young John Cusack, am I the only one? I’m glad, very glad, that it was all Miles, especially all the drumming. I think his dedication, along with the rest of the team, paid off. That end “Caravan” solo took two days to film, and I don’t know how many hours to edit in order to not have a fluffy effect. I think they did great. I was pretty sold.

I could go on, but all in all, my end thought is this is a pretty good film.

Thank you for reading.

– a.seaa